Title: What I Was Looking For
Author: Selena
Summary: The first in a trilogy; Harm's point of view.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, so don't sue me...please.

Harm left the Admiral's office with a huge grin on his face. Mac was finally coming back. Of course he would never admit it, but Harm had been terrified during the past three weeks. A month before, Mac had been drafted by Webb to take part in a CIA operation. No one, not even the Admiral, had been given details concerning the length or purpose of the mission. Mac hadn't been allowed contact with anyone, and the Admiral had only received short, cryptic updates from Webb. Even those had stopped over a week before. No one had heard anything...until the phone call the Admiral had just received. According to Webb, he and Mac were in the air and headed to Dulles. Harm couldn't have been happier...or more relieved.

Still smiling to himself, Harm decided to try and find something to do. Since Mac had been gone, he had literally thrown himself into his work. He figured that if he kept busy, he wouldn't have to worry about his partner. Of course, that little theory didn't work. In fact, there were precious few moments in the last few weeks when Harm's mind wasn't occupied by Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie.

He thought about the rocky beginning of their partnership and the various times that they had followed each other to hell and back. He could rely on her, and she on him...he hoped. Granted, since his return from the Patrick Henry, things hadn't gotten completely back to normal, but that was to be expected. It had taken time to build their relationship, and Harm figured it would take time to repair the damage his absence had caused.

Then of course, there was the matter of rank. A few awkward moments had passed between them since Mac had become a Lt. Colonel, but Harm's own promotion a few months before had helped that situation. Now, Harm was looking forward to having his partner back and having everything get back to normal.

With a contented sigh, Harm looked around his office and realized that he had absolutely nothing to do. Knowing that he had many hours before Mac's plane landed, he decided to make a little work for himself. It wasn't absolutely necessary to update and organize his old files, but Harm needed to keep his mind and hands busy. For the next hour or so, he worked on files that brought back memories--some happy, some bittersweet.

Finally, Harm had reached the file of the first case that he and Mac had worked on after he came back to JAG. He realized that several depositions were missing and began looking for them. He ended up in Mac's office, and he smiled at the familiar posters and personal touches that Mac had added. He was a little amazed at how uncharacteristically neat and organized the place looked. Quickly, he flashed back to Mac's last day in the office...

"Hey, I thought you were getting out of here early?" Harm asked, looking around the immaculate office.

Mac quickly put something away and closed a drawer before she answered. "I just wanted to get some things organized before I left. You know how I hate coming back to a mess."

But Harm had known the real reason. Neither he or Mac would admit or even acknowledge it, but they both knew that the Colonel was preparing for the worst. She had put everything in order...just in case she didn't come home. The two locked eyes for an instant, and a look of understanding passed between them. Instead of voicing their fears, however, the pair had exited the office. Over a quiet dinner, they said good byes, shared a brief hug, and made promises to see each other again...while silently hoping that they would be able to keep those promises.

Harm shook himself into the present when Bud stuck his head into the door and said, "Excuse me, Sir. I didn't mean to interrupt, but is there something I can help you with?"

"No, Bud. I was just going through some old files, and I hoped that the Colonel had some documents I was looking for," he answered.

Bud said, "She had everything pretty squared away in here before she left, so it shouldn't be too hard. Let me know if you need anything."

Harm nodded and said, "Thanks." He was still digging through one of Mac's filing cabinets when he heard Bud speak again.

"She's coming home today, isn't she, Sir?"

Looking up with a brilliant smile, Harm replied, "Yes, Lieutenant, she is." With a smile of his own, Bud left the Commander still searching through the mountains of paperwork in Mac's office.

Harm had almost given up when he decided to check Mac's desk drawers. They, too, were meticulously organized. Finally, Harm saw a few files that looked promising stuck in the back of the bottom drawer. As Harm lifted the files, a sealed envelope drifted to the floor. He drew a sharp breath when he saw his own name written on the front. It said only, "Harm," but the writing was as familiar to his as his own.

It was impulse that had Harm carefully opening the envelope, but it was the first few words he read that had him dropping into Mac's chair. He tore his eyes away from the letter and looked at the files he'd placed on the desk. He instantly realized that these were personal papers...Mac's will and other documents. Harm knew what he'd stumbled upon, and he even knew that he needed to put everything away and pretend he'd never seen them. Somehow, he just couldn't. Taking a deep breath, he began to read.

Dear Harm,
I promised myself that I would never write one of
these letters. I always looked at them as admissions
of defeat...at least that's what Uncle Matt called
them. He claimed that they were just a way to avoid
dealing with something face to face. A way to go to
your grave without any regrets.
Well, we both know that I have my fair share of
regrets. You were there for most of them. I guess
there's one that even you don't know about...and it's
one that I'm not willing to take with me. So, I'll
write it here, and pray that you can forgive me
someday.
If you're reading this, you know that I am doing
something worthwhile. Due to 'security reasons,' I
can't even write about the mission here. I suppose I
just want to reassure you that I did this of my own
will. It's not very often that you can do something
like this for your country. It's an honor...one I
carry with pride. I'm just sorry I couldn't share it
with you. This, too, I hope you'll understand and
forgive.
Now here's the important part, Harm. I guess I
should start at the beginning...a rose garden. I was
so angry when I was pulled from my case to come work
with you. Then I just stood there with you staring at
me like I was some sort of ghost. Something flashed
in your eyes...something that I'd never really seen.
It was love, Harm. I soon realized that it was
for Diane and not for me, but I never forgot that
look.
Over the next years, we worked together...and
sometimes we worked against each other. Even when we
were at each other's throats, you were still there for
me. You stuck by me when no one else could or would.
Now I can only hope that you know how much that
meant...how much it still means to me. You seemed to
know everything there is to know about me, and still
you stayed.
But then you left. Harm, I'm not saying this to
make you feel badly about following your dream. I
know it may not have seemed like it at the time, but I
did understand. You did what you had to do, and I am
so proud of what you accomplished.
But I realized something when you told me you were
leaving. And I guess that this is my biggest
regret...I never told you. As we were standing there
in my apartment, I told you by leaving you would admit
that flying was more important to you than JAG or
Jordan or everything. Harm, I meant to say me. I
wanted to be more important than flying...more
important than work or Jordan. More than anything, I
wanted you to look at me like you did in that rose
garden or to kiss me like you did on that dock in
Norfolk. I didn't want it to be love for a ghost of
someone you could never have...I wanted it to be me.
I guess I fell in love with you somewhere along the
way, and I wanted you to feel the same way.
Those are the words I couldn't find the day you
left. I'm so sorry to say them to you this way, but I
don't think I need any more regrets. I suppose Uncle
Matt was right...but this is something I couldn't do
face to face. Please understand and forgive me.

Semper fi,
Mac

Harm's eyes were wide with shock as he reread the letter. Mac loved him, but he'd never allowed himself to see it. Annie, Bobbie, and Jordan had, but he hadn't. Every relationship he'd had in the past six years was overshadowed by the one he shared with Mac. Harm had always assumed that this was because he hadn't met the right woman. He just never thought that she might be right in front of him.

Hearing a noise, Harm straightened in the chair. Bud saw the perplexed look on the Commander's face, so he asked, "Sir, have you found what you were looking for?"

A grin spread across Harm's face as he answered, "Yeah, Bud, I think I have."



The End